


The Akatsuki Has Dank Memes

by GlazedGlaciers



Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki - Freeform, Crack everything, Humor, KFC, Memes, Multi, im sorry for the spam of tags, lmaooo, me and my friend almost died during the making of this, sasori needs a one dance, the akatsuki likes to go akatskiing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2018-10-17 12:31:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 10,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10594068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlazedGlaciers/pseuds/GlazedGlaciers
Summary: The Akatsuki go on different types of adventures, let's just see what actually goes on during them. :)





	1. The KFC Trip

It all started when Deidara wanted to go to KFC. Deidara sprinted to the main room where everyone currently was, they were playing monopoly.This made Deidara very angry. He hated it when people played monopoly without him. Kakuzu was taking his turn, moving the piece he was using forward 4 times. 4 was Deidara's angry number, it reminded him of a four sided rectangle made of wood, which reminded him of Sasori's art.

"What are you doing Kakuzu?!" Deidara gasps in pure shock. Kakuzu looked up to meet the 19- year-olds gaze.

"What do you think I'm doing?" Kakuzu responded in his usual grumpy voice.

"YOU ARE USING THE ANGRY NUMBER!" Deidara yells, making everybody stare at him. Sasori let out a loud groan. Deidara was getting shook like a chocolate milkshake.

"Deidara, I think you need to calm down," Sasori says. Deidara grabs one of his clay bombs and proceeds to aim it at the monopoly board. He throws it and everyone screams and runs out of the room, except for Tobi.

"Wait, where is everyone going?" Tobi asks, "Are we all playing hide-and-seek?" And then the bomb hit him, and he flew out of the base.

After a few minutes of non-stop high-pitched screaming coming from Hidan, everyone finally calmed down. Tobi returned, but he feared for his life because he just wanted to play hide-and-seek. Pein grounded Deidara and took away his clay bombs. After crying for a while, Deidaras suggested that they go to KFC. Everyone was hungry so they agreed.

~.~

After a while of traveling, they finally got to KFC. The place wasn't that packed, and luckily they didn't get attacked from people who disliked them. Pein approached the front counter, and ordered some chicken wings.

"Can I get some chicken wings?" Pein asked the cashier, receiving a swift nod from him. It took about a half-and-hour for their chicken wings to arrive, and Tobi legit almost ate them all. Deidara smacked Tobi's head, but then quickly apologized because he got 'the look' from Sasori.

Kisame sat very close next to Itachi, refusing to move away once Pein wanted to sit there. Pein finally gave up and sat next to a triggered Hidan. Kakuzu had left to use the restroom, so he was pretty much alone for the time that the stitched man was gone.

Tobi got up and walked over to the counter but tripped on the way over due to a wet floor sign. You could say that he has mcfallen, and he can't get up.

Suddenly, Naruto and his gang walked in. Naruto noticed the Akatsuki almost right away, and he made his way over to them.

"What are you guys doing here?" Naruto asked, glaring at them all. Sasuke made eye contact with Itachi, and he gasped.

"FATHER IS THAT YOU?" Sasuke shrieks, and Itachi gets on the table, starting to sing.

"YOUNG MAN THERES A PLACE YOU CAN GO, I SAID YOUNG MAN WHEN YOU'RE SHORT ON YOUR DOUGH. YOU CAN STAY THERE AND I'M SURE YOU WILL FIND MANY WAYS TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. ITS FUN TO SING THAT SASUKE IS GAY, SASUKE IS GAY-" Itachi was cut off by Sasuke who lunged at him with a dagger. But Sasuke was stopped when Kisame got in the way, AND KISAME GOT STABBED. *ENTER ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAR FACES MUSIC.*

Everyone had to stop what they were doing, and they had to take Kisame to the hospital. Deidara just wanted KFC. After a while of surgery, everyone was finally allowed to see Kisame. Itachi gave Kisame a hug, and Tobi ran in but he mcfell again. Deidara shook his head and ignored Tobi. ZETSU WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT HELPED TOBI UP. Itachi brought Kisame flowers because he's a good man, even though he sings about Sasuke being gay.


	2. DEI-DEI I LIKE YOUR STYLE

Sasori was in his room, tinkering around with a radio. Suddenly, a song came on.. one he's never heard before. IT WAS DRAKE. Sasori listened to the song, and the lyrics just appeared in his mind.

You could hear Sasori from his room, screaming the lyrics. "BABY I LIKE YOUR STYLE." Deidara was getting really concerned. So Deidara decided to investigate. He walked into the room and Sasori stared at him.

"I NEED A ONE DANCE, GOT A HENNESSEY IN MY HAND," Sasori continued to sing. Deidara internally screeched. And then everyone else walked in the room. Kisame thought it was catchy. Tobi was singing too, but he was roasted by everyone because he was a bad singer. Pein shook his head in disappointment at Tobi.

"DEI-DEI I LIKE YOUR STYLE!" Sasori yells at the top of his lungs... wait.. do puppets even have lungs? How does he even breathe? Anyways, Deidara started to blush, and he quickly looked away.

"WAIT, WHAT ABOUT MY STYLE?" Tobi asked, almost innocently. Hidan looked at Tobi with a very angry face.

"NOBODY LIKES YOUR STYLE, IT'S TACKY!" Hidan says, "BESIDES YOU LOOK LIKE A PUMPKIN." Tobi started to cry and he ran out. Zetsu was forced to go help Tobi, mainly because nobody else wanted to. #RIPTOBI2017

Sasori stopped singing, and everyone slowly clapped. They seemed really scared, and Deidara looked like he was scarred for life.

"I want KFC, HM," Deidara finally smiles. And then everybody groans in anger. 

 

BONUS LINE :) :

 

 

"We just had that last week!" Hidan whines.


	3. Tobi's Freetime ;)

Tobi had locked himself in his room, and everybody was lowkey concerned. It was so quiet, that you could hear a pin drop. This was very unusual, so the crew decided to check it out. They made their way to Tobi's room, and Deidara put his ear up to the door. It was still really quiet, and this was even more suspicious. Pein kicked down the door, and they made Hidan go in first. (Kakuzu was the one that suggested he go in, and everyone agreed.) As Hidan walked in, he saw something very strange. It was a wall lined up with ASMR objects. Hidan screeches and everyone screams as well.

Suddenly, they heard whispering coming from the closet. Then they made Hidan open the closet. He opened the closet slowly, and it revealed a Tobi, and he was whispering into a mic. Some of the words they heard were: 'Becky lemme smash' and 'here comes dat boi'. Everyone was horrified. Tobi turned around and screeched.

"YOU SHOULD GO VEGAN" Tobi screamed. Zetsu agreed. Deidara yelled no because he loves his KFC. Itachi just wanted to sing about Sasuke being gay, and Sasori needed a one dance. Finally everyone settled down, and all agreed that they would allow Tobi to continue making ASMR videos. But only if Sasori could get a Drake ASMR video. And Deidara gets a close-up video of a man eating KFC. Hidan would get a video about chicken nuggers, and Zetsu would get a video about the discovery channel. THEY WERE ALL SATISFIED AND HAPPY.


	4. The Bully

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hidan is being a bully to deidara ;"(

Deidara was in his room, making clay bombs that he could throw at Tobi. The clay bombs were coming along nicely, and he hadn't messed up one yet. That is, until Hidan bust through the door. Deidara looked confused, until he saw the angry expression on Hidan's face. He let out a screech, the man was triggered.

"DEIDARA, I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR BUTT!" Hidan says loudly. Luckily nobody heard him, but he didn't really care. Deidara started to run, but he tripped; you know like in those corny horror films. Deidara had tripped on a piece of string. CUE THE JAWS THEME. Deidara manages to get up, but trips again. This time on a rock. How did that rock even get inside? OH YEAH, IT'S TOBI'S PET ROCK. DAMN YOU TOBI. Finally, Deidara got up and he started to run again. He managed to escape down the hall, Hidan trailing behind him slowly. Soon, Deidara was out of sight, but Hidan knew he was going to be able to find him.

As Hidan walked, he ran into Pein. Apparently, Deidara had told him that Hidan was going to kick his butt. And Pein didn't like the word 'butt' because it was a naughty word.

"Pein, I never said that, Deidara must be making things up," Hidan said persuasively. Pein agreed with Hidan, because lets face it, Hidan is a great person.

Deidara continued to run, running into the main bathroom. He hid in a stall, hoping that the religious man wouldn't find him. He really didn't want his butt kicked. As he prayed that Hidan wouldn't come in, the door suddenly opened to the bathroom. He internally screeched, what if it was Hidan?! He just wanted to disappear right now. CUE ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAR FACES. Suddenly, the stall door opened, the one that Deidara was in, and it revealed HIDAN. Deidara screamed, trying to get around Hidan so he could hide again.

"You can never hide from me, you IDIOT," Hidan hisses. Deidara escapes again, running back down the hallway. As he ran, he collided into Pein.

"Oh, there you are, Deidara!" Pein says. Deidara tries to get around Pein, but Pein kept moving in front of him.

"MOVE, MOVE! HIDAN IS GOING TO KICK MY BUTT" Deidara yells.

"You must have had a misunderstanding," Pein says, not moving. "Hidan is not going to kick your butt, he's from a town where kicking someone's butt means that he wants to be your friend. And maybe play sports with you on the weekends."

"I NEED TO GO!" Deidara runs off, soon running directly into Kakuzu. "HELP KAKUZU, HIDAN IS GOING TO KICK MY BUTT AND HE'S REALLLY ANGRY AND I'M REALLY SCARED-"

"Kakuzu, what did I tell you about talking to strangers?" Hidan suddenly appeared. Kakuzu looked confused, Deidara wasn't a stranger.. but then he started to panic.

He leaned over to Deidara, "NOW HE'S GOING TO KICK MY BUTT" Deidara screams and runs again.

"So, I heard you like kicking butts, huh?" Kisame cracks his knuckles as he looks at Tobi.

"TOBI DOESN'T WANT HIS BUTT KICKED!" Tobi cries.

BUT TOBI ENDS UP GETTING HIS BUTT KICKED ANYWAYS.

Anyways, Deidara runs into Sasori's room, "DANNA HE IS GOING TO KICK MY BUTT."

Sasori is making his puppets, and he slowly turns around to glare at Deidara. "Who is going to be kicking your butt?"

"HIDAN IS. HE BROUGHT HIS SCYTHE AND EVERYTHING" Deidara cries.

Hidan bust through the door again, and Sasori got up and walked over to him. "You are not going to be kicking Deidara's butt. I'm the only that can kick his butt." Hidan gets triggered.

AND THEN A BUNCH OF FIGHTING HAPPENS AND KISAME AND ITACHI HAVE TO SEPARATE THEM.

and then tobi runs in. and kisame is like: "so you're here to kick more butts are you?" And then Tobi gets his butt kicked again.

 

THE END


	5. How Far Will Kisame Go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kisame is Moana

Kisame was swimming at the beach. Pein had told him not to go too far from the Akatsuki base, but Kisame wanted to escape. He wanted to be freeeeeee.

"I've been staring at the edge of the water!~" Kisame sang. "As long as I can remember.. never really knowing why. I wish, I could be the perfect daughter-"

But then he was interrupted by 'One Dance', "BABY I LIKE YOUR STYLE" Kisame screams at the sudden interruption. "THIS IS MOANA NOT DRAKE."

Sasori shakes his head in disappointment, "Drake is better." Then they got in a big argument.

"MOANA IS PRETTY AND DRAKE IS UGLY"

"TAKE THAT BACK"

"NO I WILL NOT"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

This went on for like an hour. Kisame was sad, because he wanted to be Moana, but Sasori said no. SASORI WAS CONVINCED THAT HE WAS DRAKE. Because he needed a one dance. Deidara was apparently Rihanna. Pein was Ed Sheeran, Konan was Kesha, Tobi was Adam Levine, and Hidan was Tim McGraw.

"SEE THE LINE WHERE THE SKY MEETS THE SEA IT CALLS ME" Kisame suddenly yelled. Sasori looked offended. This was not 'One Dance'. HE WAS SINGING HOW FAR ILL GO, AND THIS TRIGGERED HIM. Sasori proceeded to beat Kisame with a chancla, but Kisame never gave up his dreams of being a disney princess.


	6. Pein The Rapper

Pein had many secrets, which he managed to hide very well. He also had many piercings, but that's a different story (he got the piercings from Claire's.) But one day, Deidara walked in on something very weird. And it wasn't Sasori singing 'One Dance' and pretending to be Drake, or Tobi's ASMR videos. CRINKLE CRINKLE  
"ALMIGHTY PUSH THAT HOE" Pein yells in his rapping voice that sounds like Snoop Dog.  
"What are you doing?" Deidara asks, seeming truly concerned for his leader. Pein gasps dramatically and turns to look at him.  
"oh shit you know too much," Pein says, picking Deidara up and putting him in a closet. Deidara screams, but the scream doesn't escape his lips. tHE CHICKEN NUGGERS HAVE CAME BACK  
"ROCK N ROLL MCDONALDS" Pein shouts. "ALMIGHTY PUSH THAT HOE INTO A BRICK WALL BECAUSE I AM VERY TALL AND I NEED TO POST A BAG HAUL"  
Kisame walks in, "Pein what are you doing you are betraying Moana." Pein whips and dabs  
"moana will not go very far," he says. then he slaps kisame with a fish  
"i want to post a bag haul," Konan cries. Pein says no and gives her a t-mobile cellphone (they have bad service wtf i cant even enjoy a youtube vid without buffering every 1.1.1.1.1..1.1.1 seconds)  
But then it turns into Friday The 13th and Madara comes back  
"where is itachi im hungry" he licks his lips  
Everyone is scared and they cry because of chicken nuggers and Moana  
Hidan is sacrificing people to Jashin  
but srsly why is he called jashin  
his name could be donald or something like that sounds more aesthetic  
pls dont attac k me  
its just like a mini mall  
\- Kakuzu


	7. Konan The Prostitute ??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Hidan mistakingly thinks Konan is a prostitute

Hidan was in his room, doing whatever guys do in their rooms. He was watching Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood you perverts. But he felt a bit lonely, so he decided to call up a prostitute for sum fuk. He dialed the number into his cellphone (do they even have those ??) and he called it. The lady on the phone was all like "HELLO THIS IS THE PROSTITUTE HOTLINE FOR LONELY MEN WHO WATCH DANIEL TIGERS NEIGHBORHOOD ON THE WEEKENDS. PRESS 1 IF YOU WANT TO CHAT AND DRINK TEA WITH THE OTHER PERSON. PRESS 2 IF YOU JUST WANNA GET SOME FUK AND YOU DONT REALLY CARE. AND PRESS 3 TO GIVE US ALL OF YOUR CREDIT CARD INFORMATION AND YOUR SECURITY NUMBER" Hidan was about to press 3 but he pressed 2 because he wanted sum fuk.

It rang a few times before some woman answered, "Hello, this is Konan speaking. How may I help you?"

"KONAN YOU ARE A PROSTITUTE ?" Hidan asks, completely shocked. This was the best day of his life. "COME TO MY FUCKING ROOM RN"

Konan hangs up and goes to Hidan's room. "what the fuck are you talking about bitch ill let you know that im in the us navy forces and im not afraid to kick your butt"

Hidan is scared, "I called a prostitution hotline and i pressed 2 for some fuk and it brought me to you. now get on your knees junior let me give you some lead"

"bitch stop with the mortal kombat references," Konan slaps him with her purse. "YOU ARENT ERRON BLACK"

Hidan cries

Kisame comes in and throws some shade "you look like my deceased parents" and then he cries because he gets flashbacks and Itachi has to calm him down.

"sasuke iM GOING TO KILL U" Itachi suddenly runs out

and in the end it doesn't really matter

hidan just wanted sum fuk


	8. Hire a Samurai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the chapter where samurai jack shows up out of nowhere

Everyone was chilling in the living room like a freezer (idk) when Samurai Jack suddenly appeared.

"HIRE A SAMURAIIIIII" Tobi screams. Of course everyone shakes their head in disappointment.

"why is he even here?" Deidara asks. "we could've hired that one person who lives outside of our base. his name was steve he was really nice too"

Zetsu hugs Tobi. "its ok friend"

Samurai Jack was all like "you guys hired a samurai?"

Pein nods, "we will pay you with lots of lead"

"THIS BITCH EMPTY YEET" Samurai Jack throws a couch at Aku because nobody likes Aku

"im about to drop some sick beats yo" Pein starts to rap. "I LOVE BALLS I WILL PUT ON MY SHAWL KONAN ISNT ALLOWED TO HAVE A BAG HAUL AND I FEEL SO FREAKING TALL"

jACK IS ALL LIKE : WTF I THOUGHT U HIRED A SAMURAI

"I DID NOW DROP SOME SICK BEATS WITH ME" Pein says.

AND THEN HE AND JACK DROP VERY SICK BEATS BECAUSE U ALL KNOW SAMURAIS ARE GOOD RAPPERS


	9. the trip to McDonalds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sequel to the first chapter

Deidara was very sad. He didn't get to go to KFC, instead he was being forced to go to McDonald's with everyone else. It was because Tobi insisted that they go. damn you Tobi. As they walked into McDonald's, they noticed Naruto and his crew in there. Naruto was playing in the ball pit. Kakashi was there too. Itachi got triggered because Sasuke was there.

Pein had insisted that everyone behave, and the things that happened when they went to KFC wasn't allowed to happen again. Pein went over to Kakashi and they started talking about motorcycles and women.

Itachi challenged Sasuke to a challenge. who could eat the most chicken nuggers in one minute. Kisame was very worried because he didn't want Itachi to die from chicken nugger overload.

Zetsu was talking to the staff there and he got a job at McDonalds.

Tobi drank too much soda and he was now very hyper. He proceeded to flirt with random pregnant women. "with a wave of my finger and a flick of my dick one zap from me will kill you quick so get on your knees to suck and blow but not right now i have to go" then he slid out of a seat and started rolling.

Deidara was crying in the corner of McDonald's, "I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE" Then Sasori had to lecture him.

"DEIDARA U R ACTING LIKE A CHILD STOP IT OR I WILL TAKE YOU BACK TO THE CAR SO DONT HELP ME I WILL BEAT U WITH MY SHOE" Sasori says

Deidara cries more

is this like child abuse or something??? its deidara abuse confirmed

Konan is making one of those youtube vlogs "HEY GUYS ITS SPARKLYCHICK24 AND IM BACK WITH A NEW VIDEO. THIS TIME ITS ME AND MY FRIENDS AND WE ARE AT MCDONALDS"

Hidan was scaring children and ladies were beating him with purses

Kakuzu was taking money from cash registers

Itachi was dying on the floor because he ate 100 chicken nuggers in one minute. Kisame was trying to help him but it wasn't working. then he sat on Itachi and Itachi puked up the chicken nuggers.

#KISAMESAVEDITACHISLIFE2017

Everyone stopped and clapped for Kisame

THE END


	10. Zetsu's Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zetsu's first work day at McDonald's

It was a lovely Saturday in the Naruto World because Zetsu got to work his first shift at McDonalds. Because McDonalds apparently exists there. He got to work as a cashier which made him very ecstatic. He even got to wear the uniform.

While working, somebody walked in. That somebody was Idate. you know that lil shit from Ice Scream. He ordered a fish fillet with coke. But then he asked "do you guys sell Samekichi by any chance? im really craving shark"

Zetsu shook his head. "im sorry sir we dont sell that here and even if we did i wouldnt give it to you because you are a orca and you should be in sea world"

This mctriggered Idate. "DID U JUST ASSUME MY HABITAT MCSCUSE ME BITCH" But then he had to smoke a cigarette to calm down.

"THERES THE DOOR" Zetsu pointed at the door. Idate decided that he was going to leave and become a stripper

After a few minutes, Grell walked inside. She was doing that sassy walk because she is very sass. Once she got to the counter, she started ordering. "CAN I GET MCNUGGETS THEY ARE SO HOT AND CRISPY AND IT WILL FILL UP MY SOUL RAWR XD" Zetsu nodded and got the mcnuggets. She started to eat them but paused after the first bite

"THESE TASTE LIKE WILLIAMS SUIT BUT ITS NOT LIKE I EVER TASTED IT OR ANYTHING BAKA" Grell did le blush

but then she left.

Then Izaya came in and he wanted an ice cream cone

Zetsu said yes and made it

but then all you heard was a loud yell "IZAYA-KUNYAAAAH"

Izaya screamed and took his ice cream then he jumped out a window "GOTTA BLAST"

Then Shizuo throws a vending machine inside the mcdonalds and it starts a fire

Zetsu screams

but then he gets fired because the manager was like "THIS IS WHY I SAID WE SHOULDNT TRUST A PLANT KAREN"

then zetsu is sad and he goes back to the akatsuki base but everyone hugs him and tells him its okay

tobi is like "GUYS LETS GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT TO CHEER HIM UP"

Pein shakes his head in disappointment and says "TOBI I CANT BELIEVE U THAT IS A BAD IDEA"

THE END


	11. A Silly Song With Tobi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tobi is having a merry christmas. idc if its august

And now it's time for silly songs with Tobi, where in the show Tobi comes out and sings a silly song.

It's Christmas Eve, and Tobi is anxiously awaiting (hes not doing ASMR for once) the arrival of Santa Claus with a plate of cookies. The cookies were handmade (probably made by Konan) but that doesn't matter.

Tobi begins to sing at the top of his lungs, "OH, SANTA I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO COME, I JUST CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO COME, AND I'VE GOT COOKIES! THREE YUMMY COOKIES! JUST FOR YOU FOR WHEN YOU COME, OH ME, FOR YOU FOR WHEN YOU COME ... BECAUSE ITS CHRISTMASSSSSS!!" Suddenly, there's a knock on Tobi's door.

"Could that be Santa, COULD THAT BE HIM?? COULD IT BE THE ONE WHO BRINGS PRESENTS FOR A BOY LIKE ME, A GOOD BOY LIKE MEE???" Tobi approaches the door, happily opening it. But Tobi is surprised to be greeted not by Santa, but by crafty bankrobber. AKA Hidan in a bankrobbing outfit.

"Who are you?" Tobi asked. he's so dumb he can't tell people a part in costumes wtf

"I'M A BANKROBBER! AND I'VE COME TO ROB YOUR BANK, OH YES! I'VE COME TO ROB YOUR BANK, AND I'VE COME TO TAKE YOUR DIMES AND SWIPE YOUR NICKELS! SO STAND BACK, STEP ASIDE YOU SILLY LOLLIPOP! AND LET ME IN!" Hidan pushes Tobi out of the way, walking inside the room. Although frightened by the "intruder", in the spirit of Christmas, Tobi makes an offering.

"I'm not a banker ... I have no bank my robbing friend, but I have cookies -- THREE YUMMY COOKIES! AND I DON'T HAVE NICKELS, BUT PLEASE TAKE THIS MY ROBBING FRIEND! EAT ONE OF THESE MY ROBBING FRIEND! THEY ARE FOR SANTA.. BUT YOU MAY HAVE ONNNEE." Tobi holds out the plate of cookies for Hidan to take one. Hidan is truly touched by Tobi's goodwill (AND HE SLURPS DOWN THAT COOKIE). But Tobi, although momentarily distracted, is still excited about seeing Santa.

"OH, SANTA I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO COME, I JUST CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO COME, AND I'VE GOT COOKIES! TWO YUMMY COOKIES! JUST FOR YOU FOR WHEN YOU COME, OH ME, FOR YOU FOR WHEN YOU COME ... BECAUSE ITS CHRISTMASSSSSS!!" Tobi sang, Hidan joining in as well. Yet another knock was on Tobi's door.

"Could that be Santa, COULD THAT BE HIM?? COULD IT BE THE ONE WHO BRINGS PRESENTS FOR A BOY LIKE ME, A GOOD BOY LIKE MEE???" Tobi opened his door again. Once again, it is not Santa who has come to Tobi's door, but this time a savage Norseman. AKA KISAME AFTER DRINKING ONE TO MANY BEERS.

"Who are you?" Tobi asked. STOP BEING SO DUMB TOBI

"I'M A VIKING! AND I'VE COME TO TAKE YOUR LAND, OH YES! I'VE COME TO TAKE YOUR LAND, AND I'VE COME TO BURN YOUR CROPS AND STEAL YOUR HORSES. AND I'VE COME TO.... STEP ON YOUR CHICKENS! AND SOIL YOUR QUILTS!" Kisame sang. Although frightened by the "intruder", in the spirit of Christmas, Tobi makes an offering.

"I don't have land... I don't have crops my viking friend, but I have cookies -- two yummy cookies! And I don't have horses, but pLEASE TAKE THIS MY VIKING FRIEND! EAT ONE OF THESE MY VIKING FRIEND! THEY ARE FOR SANTa! But you may have oooonee.." Tobi gives Kisame a cookie as well. Kisame is also touched by Tobi's good will. But Tobi's thoughts are still with Santa.

"OH, SANTA I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO COME, I JUST CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO COME, AND I'VE GOT A COOKIE! A YUMMY COOKIE! JUST FOR YOU FOR WHEN YOU COME, OH ME, FOR YOU FOR WHEN YOU COME ... BECAUSE ITS CHRISTMASSSSSS!!" Tobi is still happy, even though he was like going to be robbed and his crops were going to be burned. THERE WAS ANOTHER KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

"Could that be Santa, COULD THAT BE HIM?? COULD IT BE THE ONE WHO BRINGS PRESENTS FOR A BOY LIKE ME, A GOOD BOY LIKE MEE???" Tobi opens his door once more. Tobi is now greeted by an agent of the Internal Revenue Service. pssT ITS SASORI

"Who are you?" Tobi asks for like the millionth GODDAMN TIME

"I'm from the IRS. And I've come to tax your-" before Sasori can finish his sentence, Sakura comes out of nowhere and punches him, shattering him into pieces. Tobi slowly shuts the door, now feeling very frightened again. Tobi finally shrugs it off and goes back to singing.

"Oh, Santa! I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO COME, I JUST CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO COME ..." Santa comes down the chimney in Tobi's room (it's actually Pein in a Santa costume). 

Tobi gasps, "IT'S FINALLY SANTA! IT'S FINALLY HIM! AT LAST, THE ONE WHO BRINGS PRESENTS FOR A BOY LIKE ME, A GOOD BOY LIKE MEEEEE!"

"I'm Santa! And I've come to bring you gifts, oh yes! I've come to bring you gifts, and I've come to stuff your stockings -- oh-ho-ho-ho! And I've come to jiggle my belly. And wiggle my nose... Hey, wait a minute!" Pein looks over at Kisame and Hidan with an angry expression. "Isn't that my belt? AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY HAT? SO YOU'RE THE ONES!"

Hidan backs up a bit, "Wait a minute, I can explain..!"

"We've cHANGED!" Kisame said, still drunk.

Hidan grabbed Kisame and started to run out.

"NOBODY MESSES WITH SANTA! YOU KNOW THAT DON'T YOU?!" Pein starts to chase after them. "YOU'VE BEEN VEERRRY NAUGHTY! AND I'VE GOT A LIST!"

After a few moments, Sasori walked back in, seemingly fine. He looked at the last cookie. "Did you claim that?"

Tobi shook his head and Sasori grabbed the cookie, walking out. "merry... Christmas....?"


	12. 19 and pregnant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deidara is pregnant but naruto is the father

Deidara insisted that Pein host a meeting because he had something important to tell everybody. Everyone sat in the meeting room, and Deidara started speaking.

"guys.. I'm pregnant." Deidara said confidently. It was silent for a few minutes, before Kisame broke the silence by clapping slowly.

"YA BOY" Hidan yelled. "NAME IT JASHIN"

Itachi got up from his seat and left the room. Kisame ran after him.

"you arent using my money to buy baby things" Kakuzu said.

Sasori gasped. "OUR BABY IM SO EXCITED TO HOLD IT AND CARE FOR IT AND FEED IT"

Deidara looked him in the eye. "you are not the father. NaruTO IS"

Sasori's face went blank. You know like when it freezes in the anime and his face is like that for 10 seconds. "I AM NOT THE FATHER? YOU SLUT U SAID U WERE GOING TO BE LOYAL AND NOW YOU ARE SCREWING EVERYBODY DID U FUCK KAKASHI TOO DID U FUCK JIRAiya" 

Deidara gasped. "I AM A THOT GET IT RIGHT"

Hidan was laughing because sasori said sluT "HE SAID SLUT H A H A H A"

Pein shook his head. "I thought I told you that if you got pregnant at 19 then i would kick you out"

Deidara started crying "NO THIS ISNT FAIR"

Zetsu got up. "I have something to say. I'm gay for Tobi. Oh and I saw Deidara making the baby with Naruto. I recorded it and posted it on NinjaHub because I record porn for a living now"

Tobi gasped. He felt touched. Like the others on Christmas. "IM GAY FOR YOU TOO ZETSU"

And then Pein almighty pushed Tobi "U ARENT ALLOWEDTO SAY THAT THIS IS A CHRISTIAN GROUP GAY IS A VERY NAUGHTY WORD"

Naruto then walked in "hey guys have u seen sasuke i realized im gay for him i cant be with you anymore deidara goodbye" And then he left.

Itachi heard the word 'sasuke' and started having a seizure

Kisame had to help him because he is a good friend


	13. Itachi is blind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> itachi is blind and Kisame is his guide shark

Itachi told everyone he was blind at the next meeting. How was he blind? I have no idea. Kisame was his guide shark though, so everything was good. Itachi didn't really want a guide shark but Pein insisted.

"pein is god and pein insists that Kisame will be your guide shark" Pein said. Little did anyone know was that Pein was actually drunk. He was drunk because he couldn't deal with Konan wanting a bag haul.

Itachi ran into several walls today. He also pushed a door instead of pulling it. Kisame laughed at that because he always throws shade.

Sasori had invited Itachi over for tea in his room but Itachi accidentally poured the tea on Sasori. Sasori would be okay with that if Drake did it. But Itachi wasn't Drake. So he kicked Itachi out of his room. "THERES THE DOOR BITCH"

Itachi was trying to walk to his room but he accidentally walked into Hidans. Hidan and Kakuzu were doing the do.

"KISAME CAN YOU MAKE ME SOME CHICKEN BISCUITS?" Itachi asked.

Hidan and Kakuzu slowly turned to look at Itachi.

Itachi sat on the bed and stroked Hidans arm. Hidan screamed. Then Itachi screamed. And then you could hear Deidara screaming from the other room. Deidara was screaming because Tobi was harrassing him with his ASMR.

then Kisame kicked Tobi's butt.


	14. Konan needs more stuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Konan still cant get a bag haul. And pein is getting triggered. Who will save the day? 
> 
> Btw, this is the main authors friend making this chapter :3 lET THE RANDOMNESS BEGIN! XD

Konan was sitting in the Akatsuki's office, along with Pein, who was working on paperwork. She kept sighing to herself, as if she wanted Peins attention. "What is it Konan?" He asked, annoyed with her constant sighing. "How come i don't have a bag haul, I've been wanting one forever." She complained. Pein looked at her with a glare. "Konan, we've been over this. You are fine. Bag hauls are over rated" Pein said before Konan yelled, "I NEVER HAVE ANYTHING ANYMORE. I NEED MORE STUFF!". Then Konan then proceeds to cry hard, mumbling about how uncool she is. Pein sighed as he was about to work on his paperwork, when suddenly, their office door opened. 

"LEADER SENPAI, KONAN CHAN!" Tobi yelled. "Tobi...not now, lEAVE" Pein said. "B-BuT, THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE TO SEE YOU BOTH!" Tobi whimpered.  
Pein remined himself to beat Tobi later before saying, "Alright fine, this better be good." Together, Pein and Konan walked with Tobi to the front door of the hideout (do they even have doors in their hideout??? Idk). Outside of their door, revealed three very familiar looking members. It was Itachi, Sasori and Deidara. All three of them weren't in their cloaks; instead, they wore outfits similar to barber shop workers (just imagine). Music started to play Jashin knows where, and Itachi began to say...

"Allow us to Introduce ourselves, we are neighbors" Then Sasori chimed in, "We moved in down the street!" Pein began to question everything. Why are they acting like this? Since when were they neighbors? When will I beat Tobi? "Some say we're the most delightful bunch of fellows-" Itachi continued. "You'll ever want to meet" Deidara joined in with a smile. 

"And if you have a moment to spare" Itachi sang. "Kind lady with beauty so..." He looked at Konan in the eyes, " .. rare." Konan then blushed and gave a small smile. At least SOMEONE cares about Konan. Itachi then sang, "We'd like to take a minute or two, on a topic of interest to you.~" All of the sudden all three of them began to dance. 

"wE REPRESENT THE STUFFMART" All three of them sang in unison. Sasori dabbed as he sang "An enormous land of goodies." Itachi looked at Pein, Konan, and Tobi and spoke "Would you mind if we stepped in please?" Konan was a little hesitant for some reason. "Well, I..." She stuttered as she was afraid of what they had in store for her. Konan then let them in as they continued to sing, "And as associates of the Stuff Mart. It looks like you could use some stuff." 

A smile was placed on her face, her wish was coming true today "Oh, yes, yes! Why I was just saying that-" Konan happily exclaimed before Itachi interupted her. "I pray that you don't take this wrong, my dear, but my initial observation is as follows. The criminal responsible for this decor really should be hanging from the gallows." Itachi then gave her a small smirk, proud of what he has said. HE JUST ROASTED KONAN. Sasori and Deidara began laughing their asses off. Because Konan got roasted, she once again began to cry like a baby (cRAWLING IN MY SKIN). Pein sighed again, thinkng 'when is this going to end?'. Then all three members nodded at eachother and began to sing again, 

"wE REPRESENT THE STUFFMART". As Sasori sang, "A magic land of retail~", Deidara jumped in "Would you like to see whats on...sALE?". Konan began to wipe her tears as she gave a small nod. Meanwhile Tobi jumped up and down and clapped a lot, excited for what's to come, and Pein just stared at them, not giving a single fuck. The three of them continued "Then as a customer of the Stuff Mart. Get ready for some real nice stuff." Itachi then laid out a book labeled "Kakuzu's Catalog", full of products for their "Stuffmart". 

"Deidara, Sasori! Hit the music!" Itachi exclaimed. The two of them nodded and pressed a button on a nearby stereo. All of the sudden, some funky hip hop music began to play as Sasori and Deidara began to dance in front of Konan. "cHECK IT OUT CHECK IT OUT!" Sasori and Deidara yelled in unison. Are tHEY ABOUT TO PERFORM A RAP? YES THEY FUCKING wERE. 

"If you want a big hat." Itachi rapped. 

"wE GOT THAT" Both Sasori and Deidara said.

"If you need a tube of Glue" Itachi questioned.

"wE GOT THAT TOO :D" Both Deidara and Sasori did the whip as this happened.

"A 20 Gallon Wok?" Itachi continued.

"They're in stock." Sasori and Deidara keep flipping the pages in their catalog as they rapped, "And if you need refrigerators to keep fresh mashed potatoes or a giant air compressor to blow fruit flies off your dresser or a dehydrated strudel or a nose ring for your poodle or a five pound can of a tuna and some flippers to go scuba." 

Suddenly, Deidara and Sasori magicaly got dressed in scuba wear as they danced around in their flippers. 

"scuba! Scuba! Scooby-doo-bee-doo-ba! Here we go, Scuba. Come on~".

Konan looked at Tobi, very confused of whats happening. Tobi seems to be enjoying it. And pein was yelling in his head. 'They freaking suck, I can rap better. How dARE THEY?"

"If you need a rubber hose?" Itachi broke it down like damn.

"wE GOT THOSE"

"A rhododendren tree." 

"wE GOT THREE" Sasori and Deidara Dabbed proudly.

"A wrAP aRoUnD dEcK" Itachi said as he spun around beautifuly.

"GottA cHECK!" Once again, both Sasori and Deidara flipped through the glorious pages. "But if you need a window scraper and a gross of toilet paper or a ratchet set of pliers and surround sound amplifiers, and a solar turkey chopper or a padded gopher bopper, and Flannel shirts for looking grungy and some rope for going bungee~" 

They Randomly floated to the top of rhe ceiling with magical bungee ropes attached to themselves as they SOMEHOW bounced down in sync with the music (like hOW?)

"Bungee! Bungee! Bungee-wun-gee-fun-gee. Here we go, Bungee. Come on~" Things were going well until both Deidara and Sasori's ropes broke and they fell on the floor, injuring themselves. "Ow" Deidara whimpered.

Itachi sighed softly as they contined to sing."What we've mentioned are only just some." Sasori got up, slightly dizzy from the fall "Of the wonderful things yet to come." Itachi looked around their base and said, "These pictures you keep are so... nice." He gave her another smirk. Soon after Deidara got up, slightly dizzy as well "But you really should take our aDVICE~" The cheerful music returned as all three of them sang. 

"Happiness waits at the Stuff Mart. All you need is lots...mORe...sTUFF" Konan then gathered the courage and asked them, "So... If I buy more things, that will make me happy?" All three of them gave vERY convincing nods, with a look of seduction on their faces. Pein decided he had enough and said. "I dont think thats true." 

Itachi then stepped closer to Pein as he pulled out a bag haul from his pocket. "Um...Yes it is" Pein then stood up and Grabbed the bag haul. "nO Its nOT" Itachi didn't let go and almost yelled "yES IT IS" The two kept tugging and fighting over the bag haul until it slipped out of their hands, and landed in front of Deidara and Sasori. 

As lipstick slowly rolled out of the bag, both the artist began to sing in harmony as they looked at Konan woth a warm smile, "You really really ought to~" Konan then thought about it as she gave a small smile before singing. "How could I afford not to?" Tobi then cheered "yAY WE ARE GOING TO STUFFMART!" Itachi then smirked at Konan as he happily exclaimed, "Now you've got it!". Meanwhile, Pein faced palmed. "Oh great..." He mumbled. 

Soon enough, Itachi, Deidara, and Sasori Grabbed Konan's, Tobi's and Pein's hand as they headed out the door. "Happiness waits at the Stuff Mart!" The three of them sang happily as they left the base, "All you need is lots...mooooore...stuuuuuff~" 

And so, everyone left the hideout with smiles on their faces (except for Pein, that bitch). as the sun sets in the horizon, they head over to Stuffmart; where Konan could buy as many bag hauls as she wants, and much much more.

 

(AN: WOW THIS WAS FUN TO WRITE! This is what happens when you have thought of inspiration at 4 Aam in teh morning. XD I HAVE PROBLEMS. But yeah, I'm so happy to be able to write a chapter on me and my friends fanfic. And I hope to write more very soon ^-^ )


	15. Kakuzu's Ancestry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakuzu finds out his ancestry from ancestry.com

Kakuzu got a new iPhone for a present and the first thing he did was go online and look up 'ancestry.com'. He saw this ad on TV, and he wanted to know what his ninja ancestry was like. Once he typed in his information, he realized that he had to pay. This made him angry and so he emailed the creators about how he had to pay $99 just to know his heritage. The people contacted him back and were like "honey YOU NEED TO PAY THIS AMOUNT BECAUSE WE NEED THE MONEY AND WE ARE GOING TO LIE ABOUT YOUR ANCESTRY LIKE THAT ONE LADY WHO THOUGHT THAT SHE WAS EVERYTHING AND PUT 'OTHER' ON ALL OF HER HEALTH FORMS". Kakuzu was like "ok"

and then he did the test and paid the amount and then cried because he lost a lot of money. he was planning on using it to ship away hidan. Soon the test came back, and he happily opened it. as he read the info, he realized something

he

 

was

 

ITALIAN.

 

And then, his whole life changed. (shhhthis isn't the show Jessie)

And so he opened his own pizzeria. don't ask. Hidan was his pizza deliverer, and zetsu was their mascot.

You remember the manager from McDonalds? He showed up because he wanted pizza. But then he saw Zetsu, and was like "I CANT BELIEVE YOU WORK HERE WE SHOULD HAVE NEVER HIRED YOU FOR MCDONALDS OUR NEW CASHIER IS NEJI"

Then Neji came in and was like "OH HEY GUYS"

And Sasori came in and hit Neji and dragged him by his weave.

"U BITCH U WILL BE TORTURED" Sasori put him in the trunk of his car and forced him to watch the "this is my pee pee" video.

neji did not survive.

to be continued


	16. The Great Birth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deidara gives birth

Deidara yelled as he got cramps in his man uterus. "AAAAAAAAAAAA"

Sasori was not concerned, but he asked, "why are you yelling? I'm trying to work on my puppet."

"IM GOING INTO LABOR YOU FUCKWHISTLE" Deidara yelled louder. "I NEED A DOCTOR"

Lucky for all of them, Zetsu had taken 8 years worth of college for nursing. So he knew how to help people give birth. First, he picked Deidara (and tried not to eat him), and then he set him down on a bed. Then he was like "PUSH"

Deidara was yodeling.

Everybody was in the room, witnessing all of this. The only one who wasn't there was Naruto, who was the father. (If you read the previous part that links with this.) But nobody really cared because they didn't like that blonde haired looking cat.

Then Hidan pushed Zetsu out of the way. "YOU BITCHES DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HELP PEOPLE GIVE BIRTH. DEIDara I WANT YOU TO PUSH THAT BABY OUT RIGHT NOW OR I WILL CUT IT OUT OF YOU" This scared the shit out of Deidara and he pooped that baby out.

The baby was yodeling as well. "WAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA" it made the Waluigi noise.

Everyone cried because the baby was beautiful. Konan cried the most tho because she was going to vlog this.

"What are you going to name it?" Tobi asked.

Pein shook his head. "i can't believe you Tobi, did anyone ask you to come in here? BECAUSE I DON'T THIS SO"

"I will name the baby Deidrick," Deidara said proudly. He was holding the baby.

Sasori was staring blankly at the baby. The baby looked legit like Deidara. It even had the luscious locks of hair.

That was when Sasori pulled out a box of red hair dye and proceeding to dump the contents on the baby's hair. Deidara screamed.

"YOU RATCHET ASS HOE WHat ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY" Deidara cried.

"IM MAKING YOUR BABY BETTER YOU FUCKING DONKEY" Sasori yelled. Then he quickly snatched the baby and locked himself in the bathroom with him. So nobody could get rid of the hair dye. Then he washed the baby's hair, and cut it like his.

"IM GOING TO BEAT YOUR ASS YOU FUCKWHISTLE" Deidara screamed as he pounded on the door.

"NOT IF I BEAT YOURS FIRST" Sasori came out of the bathroom, wielding a chancla. "PENDEJO"

Deidara yelled as he was chased by Sasori with the chancla.

Pein awkwardly picked the baby up. "let's go buddy" Then he took the baby to his office, and he was being a very good dad


	17. BABYSITTING TERRORS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deidrick was being babysat by hidan while sasori and deidara were on a mission

Deidrick screamed as he was sat down on the couch. He wanted to be held, but Hidan was too busy doing a sacrifice.

"bitch" Deidrick said. He had learned that from Deidara when he stubbed his toe.

Hidan gasped, "only I can say that DEIDRICK"

Deidrick then got up but mcfell off the couch. Then he proceeded to cry really loudly because he hit his head.

The crying slowly angered Kakuzu, and he came out of his room to see what all of the ruckus was about.

"HIDAN YOU ARE SUCH A BAD BABYSITTER" Kakuzu yelled

"SHUT UP AND GO WORK ON YOUR ITALIAN RESTURAUNT" Hidan snapped.

Deidrick watched as all of this went on. He wanted Kakuzu to murder Hidan.

Kakuzu was about to strangle Hidan. "BINCH U BETTER SHUSH"

The argument went on for what seemed like forever, until Kakuzu stormed off back to his room.

Deidrick called Hidan a bitch again as he started to crawl off to the kitchen.

Hidan gave up and went back to the sacrifice.

Deidrick then proceeded to eat the chocolate bar that was on the counter. The chocolate belonged to Pein.

Hidan soon finished and found Deidrick eating the chocolate. "THAT BELONGED TO PEIN HES GOING TO KICK YOUR BUTT"

then Pein walked in and gasped. "MY CHOCOLATE IM GOING TO MURDER SASORI AND DEIDARA WHEN THEY GET BACK I SWEAR THEY ARE SUCH BAD PARENTS"

soon the couple came back home.

"im home" Deidara said

"YOU BITCHES" Pein yelled "YOUR CHILD ATE MY CHOCOLATE I GOT THAT SHIT FROM COSTCO I STAYED IN LINE FOR NINE HOURS FOR THAT SHIT AND YOU LET YOUR CHILD EAT IT OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH YOU PICKED THE WRONG CHOCOLATE BAR, FOOL"

everyone was so confused and scared.

Deidrick watched and then cried because he is very sensitive

Deidara was like: ok

sasori walked off to his room.

Pein cried too.

 

Hidan shrugged it off

tHE END


	18. Let it Grow (BONUS)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is legit just Let it Grow lyrics but with the Naruto characters names  
> Here's the link if you would like to follow along, my friend made this video: https://youtu.be/yzR99gZeGCQ

Deidara: You don't know me, but my name's Deidara,  
I'm just the Akatsuki, delivery guy.  
But it seems like Zetsu might be worth a try,  
So I say, let him grow.

Minato: My name's Minato; Kushina: And my name's Kushina.  
Both: Our son Naruto kinda glows,  
And that's not good so we suppose,  
We should let him grow.

Everyone: Let him grow, let him grow,  
You can't reap what you don't sow!  
Plant the Zetsu inside the earth,  
Just one way, to know it's worth.  
Celebrate the world's rebirth,  
We say let him grow.

Hidan: My name's Hidan,  
And I am three!  
And I would like to see a Zetsu,  
La la la la la lala lee,  
I say let him grow.

Chiyo: I'm Grammy Chiyo -  
I'm old and I've got gray hair,  
But I remember when Zetsu's were everywhere,  
And no one had to pay for air!  
So I say, let him grow!

Everyone: Let him grow, let him grow,  
Like it did so long ago.  
It is just one tiny Zetsu,  
But it's all we really need,  
Time to change your life with deed,  
Time to let him grow.

Obito Uchiha: My name's Obito Uchiha, I'm one of you.  
I live here in the Naruto-verse, too.  
The things you say just might be true.  
It could be time, to start anew.  
Maybe change my point of view!  
Nah!

I say let him die!  
Let him die, let him die,  
Let him shrivel up and -  
Come on, who's with me?

Hidan: No body.  
Deidara: You greedy dirtbag! (deidara screaming into microphone)

Everyone: Let him grow, let him grow,  
Let the love inside you show!  
Plant the Zetsu inside the earth,  
Just one way, to know it's worth!  
Celebrate the world's rebirth,  
We say let him grow!

Everyone: We say let him grow  
Let him grow, let him grow  
You can't reap what you don't sow  
It's just one tiny Zetsu  
But it's all we really need  
It's time to banish all your greed  
Imagine the Naruto-verse flowered and Zetsued  
Let this be our solemn creed  
We say let him grow

Itachi Uchiha: thank you Sasuke


	19. Pein's Concert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pein has a concert and it's lit.

Pein was holding a concert, and he was very excited about it. Kakuzu was worried about the price and how expensive it was going to be, but Pein was like "yo, I'm going to hold this concert, I aM gOD, YOU WILL LISTEN AND GIVE ME THE MONEY"

This gave Kakuzu depression, but he was like, "ok." And he gave him the money. -Cue the 'give me your fucking money' meme.-

They got everything set up, and pretty soon it was time for the concert. A lot of people actually came, which was a surprise, but they were all booing. This angered Pein.

"I am GOD. You will respect me." Pein said. "I will freestyle on you thots. yO MY NAME IS PEIN, YOU DON'T GOT A BRAIN, CHICKEN WANG, GOING DOWN THE DRAIN, GUCCI GANG. ALL THE EDITS ON INSTAGRAM OF ME ARE FIRE, YA'LL NEED A PAIR OF PLIARS, KAKASHI IS A FUCKING LIAR, I'M GONNA SHOVE YOU IN THE DRYER." As he spat those sick roasts, everyone went silent. Kakashi cried.

Tobi started clapping because this was very lit. Deidara looked at him. "jeez, Tobi. Ruining the mood, yeah."

Speaking of lit, Sydney McGee suddenly went on stage. "I'm SO LIT RIGht NOW YOUR LIFE IS SO BORING. WHY YA'LL SLEEPING ON ME, I CAN HEAR YOU SNORING." Everyone started to clap.

Pein gasped. This was supposed to be HIS concert. He couldn't believe he was being so disrespected.

"sYDNEY MCGEE YOU BETTER LEAVE" Pein yelled.

"Pein, I'm singing my lit song, you aren't being very lit you old man" Sydney said. Everyone agreed.

"that's it," Pein said. "I'm going to roast you." Everyone gasped.

"YOU LOOK LIKE A NON-LIT VERSION OF TAYLOR SWIFT, YOU NEED TO LEAVE AND CATCH YOUR RIDE ON THE APP LYFT. LIT RIGHT NOW? MORE LIKE DIE IN A PIT RIGHT NOW. TACO BELL? YOU LOOK LIKE A TACO SHELL. OOH OOH OOH."

Deidrick was twerking. Deidara looked horrified. Sasori was sipping his starbucks.

Itachi couldn't see anything. "kISAME, WHAT'S GOING ON"

"They are roasting each other," Kisame replied.

Sydney McGee gasped. Now it's her turn to roast. "oH REALLY? YOU LOOK LIKE A SEA URCHIN, YOU NEED TO GO TO CHURCHIN READ THE HOLY BIBLE. YOU COULDN'T EVEN DEFEAT NARUTO, I WANT TO SEE YOU GO AGAINST BORUTO. FLIP FLOP LOOKIN ASS YOU NEED TO STOP BEING SUCH TRASH."

And then everyone started to leave because it got boring.

Hidan was eating breadsticks from Olive Garden, and Kakuzu was playing those lottery games on his iphone 2.

and from that day on, Sydney McGee and Pein were enemies.


	20. Itachi Becomes An Author

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itachi becomes an author.

Itachi had decided to start writing. He thought it would help him be more happy and collected. He decided to write on a subject every one knew about and he thought it was really decent writing. He titled the book, 'The Uchiha Massacre'. In this book, he wrote about everything that happened and he proceeded to roast everyone that was involved. For example, "Sasuke is gay for Naruto. And his hair is faker than his emotions."

It took Itachi about a week to write the book. Kisame watched him write, and he looked very concerned. And then he read the part where he was actually brought up. Kisame gasped and teared up. How nice of Itachi --- but then he read the roast. "Kisames hair is spikier than a sea urchins, and he cries at 'Finding Nemo.'" Kisame was very hurt and he went and cried in the bathroom. Deidara got mad because he needed to fix his weave because Sasori snatched it. Deidrick was eating tide pods.

Itachi made the book and started selling copies. He sent it everywhere, so that it could be read. He waited for everyone to read it, and give him reviews on yelp. It took a while, but soon they started sending in:

SparklyChick24 (Konan's Review): This book made me cry, it was so good. It makes me want to have another bag haul. 4.5/5

IAmGod (Pein's Review): I am god. Yo, this book was great, I just ate, I can't believe you took the bait, so I'll give you a good rate. 5/5

ExplodingFeminism (Deidara's Review): itachi, you suck at writing i hate u. thanks to you kisame is still in the bathroom -1/5

DrakeRulesDeidaraSucks (Sasori's Review): Deidara, shut up, and learn to use proper grammar. Also, the book was okay. 3/5

TobisAGoodBoi (Tobi's Review): I can't read 5/5

TakeMeToChurch (Hidan's Review): FUCK YOU THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE JASHIN -1,000,000/5

Kakuzu didn't pay for the book, sooooooo.

OGPlant420 (Zetsu's Review): I ate it. It was good fetilizer. Btw, we should collab and write a book together, I think I'm going to be fired soon from my job. 4/5

BestSharkBoi (Kisame's Review): Your book hurt my feelings Itachi. :( I didn't know I was that horrible. 1/5

aND NOW, MORE MISC. CHARACTERS FROM DIFFERENT FANDOMS.

AnduinsGayForMe (Wrathion's Review): This book had nice deaths in it. Anduin read it with me and he cried. 5/5

CielPhantomhive (it's self explanatory): This book was quite nice, it had an interesting plotline. I enjoyed the way you used figurative language and your descriptions were very clear. The reader would be able to tell what was going on, and the foreshadowing was also a great aspect. It reminds me of my childhood, dark and dark and even more dark. You should write more, I definitely would buy more of your books. 4.5/5

KillMePlease (Dazai's Review): This book had death, I like it. I will go rid myself of existence now. 10/5 -This user has donated 2 cents.-

Sharingan69 (Sasuke's Review): WHAT IS THIS ITACHI WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS YOU RUINED MY LIFE BEGONE I HATE YOU S OM UCH ITACHI HOW COME YOU ARENT DEAD YET I AM NOT GAY FOR NARUTO WHY WOULD YOU TELL LIES ? -This user didn't rate your book.-

KidnappingWadanohara (Sal's Review): HAHAHAHAHAHA THIS BOOK WAS FUNNY. It reminded me of my good old days before Wadanohara put a restraining order on me. 6/5

BlondThot (Alois' Review): This book was horrible. It had bad grammar, a bad plotline, the figurative language didn't make sense. I couldn't see what was going on. The foreshadowing did nothing. Ciel doesn't know what he's saying, he needs to post up. Claude better get me a new book, I want a new one on my kindle. --1/5

ImNotAHatRack (Chuuya's Review): Dazai, come fight me. -This user didn't rate your book.-

(The Authors of This Story's Review): Itachi had very creative writing in this book, I thought it was very high-end quality. I found myself relating to the main character and the roasts were on point. 10/10 would read again. 5/5


	21. Pain's Basics In Education and Learning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2+4-1 is quick maths

"Oh, hi. Welcome to my schoolhouse." Pain said, greeting Deidrick by the door. Deidrick awkwardly passed by him. He was on a mission to get his friends seven notebooks that he forgot at school. He didn't know that Pain was also a teacher though. He took note of a poster on the wall that had the school rules on it. The rules displayed were: 'No running, No entering faculty, No eating, No drinking, No escaping detention, No fourth wall breaks.'

All of these rules bamboozled Deidrick. He turned and entered one of the classrooms. He saw a notebook on the desk up front, so he approached it and grabbed it. Suddenly, he was FORCED TO DO MATH.

"NOW IT'S TIME FOR EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE SUBJECT, MATH," Pain stated very loudly. "ANSWER THE THREE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY, AND YOU MIGHT GET SOMETHING SPECIAL. PROBLEM 1, 3+8."

Deidrick thought this equation was quite easy. He had been keeping up with his quick maths. "11!" he answered.

"I can't believe it! you're INCREDIBLE!" Pain cried out. "NOW HOW ABOUT 0-5?"

"-5!" Deidrick said happily.

"YOU'RE DOING FANTAAASTIC!" Pain cheered, clapping his hands. "LAST ONE, (765SKAHFU8%)+(MNBDK987EIIH@)x(JWOUDLS/-^)."

Deidrick didn't understand this equation at all. It sounded like earrape coming from his mouth. He decided to give a random answer.

"uH... 3?" Deidrick answered, uncertainty in his voice.

"i HEAR EVERY DOOR YOU OPEN" Pain said angrily.

Deidrick screeched and ran out. Then he realized he had a stamina bar, and it ran out. sHIT. Then he started hearing the slapping of a ruler. OH NO, IT WAS PAIN COMING FOR HIM. He stood still, and this his stamina started to come back slowly. Once it returned, he decided to use it wisely. He started to do that fast-walk the moms do when they find out that you haven't taken the meat out of the freezer.

He made it to another classroom after a while of running and walking. He grabbed the notebook, and he realized that he had to answer more problems. He answered the first two with ease, but when it came to the last one, it was JUST LIKE THE ONE BEFORE. DIFFICULT AND NOT UNDERSTANDABLE. He took his chances again, and of course, got it incorrect.

"I GET ANGRIER FOR EVERY PROBLEM YOU GET WRONG" he heard Pain yell. Deidrick screeched, how did he know?? He ran back down the hallway, but ran into Tobi.

"LET'S PLAY" Tobi said cheerfully. He had a jump rope. Deidrick screamed. Now he was forced to jump rope.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," Tobi cheered. "WOOOOW, LET'S PLAY. LET'S PLAY AGAIN, SOMEETIIMEEE." With that, Tobi ran off to go torture someone else. Deidrick was terrified, because now Pain was on his tail. He went back to running, thank the lords his stamina was back.

After more running around, he found another notebook. He exited the classroom, and then headed into the lunch room. He grabbed the soda off of the table and started to run towards the exit of the lunch room. Then Itachi came out of nowhere.

"No running in the halls," Itachi said flatly, stopping him in his tracks. "15 second detention for you. When will you learn?" Deidrick was confused because this was a lunch room, not a hallway. Then suddenly, he was teleported to the detention room. He sat there for the remaining 15 seconds, and then left. He was shocked when all of a sudden, he heard a very loud yell: "GOTTA SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP"

Deidrick stared in both shock and confusion as his father, well one of his fathers at least, SWEPT HIM UP WITH A CLAY BROOM. Deidara was now more terrifying than ever.

"DAD?" Deidrick screeched. Then, he got swept into Hidan.

"I'm going to take your CANDY" Hidan grabbed Deidrick's soda and took it away from him. Deidrick gasped. That wasn't even candy.

"HEY!" Deidrick said angrily, forgetting the fact that Pain was closeby. "THAT WAS MINE"

"THANKS FOR THE GENEROUS DONATION" Hidan responded, and moved out of the way.

Deidrick ran off, he needed to escape this hellhole. WHY DIDN'T HE JUST TELL HIS FRIEND TO GET THE NOTEBOOKS HIMSELF?

Deidrick collected 2 more notebooks, and Pain was increasing his speed everytime he got an answer wrong. Fairly soon, he ran into his other father, Sasori. Sasori was in his Hiruko form, and he approached his son to give him a hug. But he ended up pushing him very fast down the hallway.

"FATHER NO" Deidrick cried.

"DADDY YES" Sasori replied. "sON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IM SO PROUD. YOU'RE BETTER THAN YOUR IDIOTIC OTHER FATHER I COULDNT ASK FOR ANYTHING BETTER. HALLELUJAH"

Sasori took a long time turning, and this gave Deidrick a chance to escape. He saw someone run around the corner. It was Kisame. Deidrick chased after him, maybe Kisame could save him. It turned into a long chase of Cat-And-Mouse. Kisame would run around the corner, and Deidrick would follow. Pretty soon Deidrick got a 30 second detention from Itachi for running in the halls.

After a million years it seemed, Deidrick got all 7 notebooks. Once he finished the impossible last problem for the last notebook, he heard a loud, booming voice.

"cONGRAGULATIONS" Pain yelled. "yOU'VE FOUND ALL 7 NOTEBOOKS! NOW ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS, RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!" Now, Pain was bolting after Deidrick. Deidrick screamed again.

Deidrick ran down the hallway, he felt like he was Sonic in that moment. Everything was red for some reason and there was very loud, static, earrapey noises. He made it to an exit, but, all of a sudden, it DISAPPEARED.

This happened several times until he made it to the cafeteria. "THIS ISNT OKAY, THIS BETTER BE THE LAST EXIT I SWEAR"

BUT IT WAS THE EXIT. But for running, he got put in baby jail.


	22. I need a one dance -- wait a minute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasori discovers the cover of 'One Dance' by Kidz Bop

One day, Sasori was laying in his room, listening to music on autoplay. All of a sudden, he heard the one dance beat and he got mcshook. He was satisfied, until he heard a child start singing. This wasn't Drake! Is this even allowed? He continued to listen, getting even more furious as seconds passed. THIS ISN'T OKAY.

Sasori decided that he was going to take Kidz Bop to court, but first, he would protest in the roads. He made signs that contained many harsh insults about their music and some were like 'DRAKE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS TRASH' and 'YOUR MUSIC SUCKS YOU PLEBS'. Then he forced the entire Akatsuki and several random ninjas to protest as well. Or he would poison them.

Deidara was whining the entire time they chanted like the little bitch he is. (WE ARE SO MEAN IM SORRY) Sasori had to whip out the chancla and threaten to beat his ass. People were throwing money, which made Kakuzu happy. Kisame and Itachi had ditched the protest to go get dango. Konan was vlogging the entire thing. Hidan was actually holding a sign and being a good civilian. Zetsu was at work; he now works at Toyota. Like why? Don't ask. Tobi was dancing because that was his job.

Pein was rapping. "DRAKE SUCKS, I GET THE BUCKS, YOU HAVE ZERO LUCKS. DABBIN ON THE HATERS, TAKING MONEY FROM THE WAITERS, IM ONE OF THE PROPER CLICKBAITERS."

Sasori throatpunched him. "DRAKE IS THE GREATEST BEING ALIVE, HE IS THE REASON WHY IM STILL ALIVE"

aND THEN EVERYONE CRIED. BECAUSE SASORI IS AN IDIOT.

All of a sudden, Drake walked in. IT WAS THE REAL OG

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE YA'LL" Drake asked, looking confused. Sasori gasped, a single tear dripping from his eye. IT WAS HIS INSPIRATION, IDOL!

"WE ARE PROTESTING BECAUSE KIDZ BOP RUINED YOUR SONG" Sasori explained. "YOU ARE MY GOD I LOVE YOU"

"THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU MAN," Drake said. "but im tryna smash Nicki Minaj"

"THIS IS WRONG," Pein yelled. "YOUR A THONG, HITTIN THE BONG, MY DICK IS LONG"

Drake used his special jutsu called "ONE DANCE" and knocked him back.

 

and then Kidz Bop got sued and everything went back to normal.

 

FOR NOW.

 

THE END.


End file.
